Dear Cervie,
Pardon the Mama Bear attitude and lip service, but you are a really big pain in my… cervix. Do you understand that you’re throwing a wrench in an otherwise perfectly easy and routine pregnancy? Let me explain to you why I am angry with you.

You are not to imitate a political viewpoint. Leaning back and a little to the right — not acceptable. I don’t care what side of the aisle you associate with. This is not an election; it is a gestation. Therefore, for ultimate birthing conditions, you are supposed to tip forward — as the doctors say, in an anterior position — and allow your roomie, otherwise known as my child — through your doors and into my world. Leaning backward in the posterior position? Not okay.

Here’s why: Kiddo is due this Friday. Mommy and Daddy are ready for her as soon as the clock strikes midnight on August 5th. We know timing isn’t always perfect (thanks, Mother Nature. Your nasty letter is coming up next) but at our doctor’s appointment Wednesday morning, we discussed inducing labor and that it’s not a good fit for us because of your positioning! If we induced in your current state, it would be very likely that we would end up with a C-section, and that is something we’d like to avoid.

So, next week on Monday, we will see Dr. Fiiiine again, at which point she will poke you — ha! You can’t hide from her! — and determine if we can do an induction next Tuesday. Why Tuesday? BECAUSE SHE IS LEAVING FOR VACATION ON THURSDAY! Do you see why if you just cooperated, we wouldn’t have to race against you and the calendar?!

But, if on Monday Dr. Fiiiine calls “Places please!” and you are still not in place, we cannot go on with the induction the next day. And we will just have to wait for natural labor and risk the chance of our baby girl entering the world into a stranger’s hands while Dr. Fiiiine is on vacation. I’m sure the alternate doctor would be skilled and nice and doctor-y, but I am a perfectionist and strive for the ideal scenario.

And if this baby is cooked but still not exiting the oven a few days past 41 weeks by the time Dr. Fiiiine gets back, we’re most likely looking at a C-section regardless. Do you really want to be close to that knife? Do ya? DO YA?!?!

So, Cervie, here’s what you’re going to do: you are going to tilt yourself ever so slightly toward the front, embrace our kid, and spit her out naturally, so that we don’t even have to induce in the first place! I’d ask you and Utey to work together to also make it as quick and pain-free as possible, but I realize that’s a tall order. So I’m willing to compromise. Just tilt and we can forget about our troubles together and move on with our lives.

No need to write back. Just do your job. Time is ticking. Consider your warning Cerved.

Kind Regards,
Alison