June, 2012 Archive

Bra-dway Baby

by Alison Friedman in Mommy's Musings

So, newsflash, pregnancy and a couple weeks of nursing and the post partum hormones apparently do a number on a body. Unlike milk, they don’t do a body good. All of this along with a weight loss plan in motion (it’s slowly coming along… Sigh…) I realized I’ve been totally wearing the wrong bra and the girls were not being respected as they should be.

An episode of my new favorite afternoon talk show, “Bethenny,” inspired me when she did a boob episode about how to shop for and wear a bra. I know, I know, Oprah did this same episode like a zillion times, but I was a spring chicken back then and find the topic relevant only now that I’ve been through the ringer. It’s so funny that 95% of women wear the incorrect size and I knew I was probably just another statistic. So off to Nordstrom I went where I knew I’d get superior and expert service and I did!

As I learned in pregnancy and childbirth, modesty flew out the window (along with good hair days, the fear of touching poop, and a phobia of killing spiders) and there I was in the middle of the Nordstrom dressing room, letting it all hang out with the sales woman who’s now on the same “closeness” level as Dr. Fiiiiine, trying on bras made out of magical fabrics probably produced by the tears of a 5,000-year-old mythical silkworm owned as a pet by the emperor of China. Good times. No really, I think the sales woman is probably on deck to deliver my next baby. She’s now seen it all. Heeeeey.

So, along with losing my modesty, I gained a lot of knowledge. Apparently, I’ve lost weight and am back to my pre-baby band size (the number) so that’s good because I was really not okay with the back muffin top that had acquired during pregnancy. That was good news. But there was even better news: I got a promotion in cup size. Like, a double promotion. I went from mail room to CEO in 5 minutes and I’ve never been happier. I went from, like, the beginning of the alphabet to a handful (minus a thumb) letters in! What?! It’s all about coverage, and I was wearing a couple cup sizes too small and not getting appropriate coverage and, therefore, a good fit. So now I have the right bra AND my measurements entitle me to a callback for Real Housewives of Ventura County. Andy Cohen, I’m ready for my close up.

A completely true and natural, unPhotoshopped portrait of me modeling my new bra from Nordstrom. There is nothing false about this picture.

Every day, I learn something new on my motherhood journey. Sometimes it’s how to transfer a sleeping Madelyn from the car seat to her crib. Other times it’s about tricking her into eating green beans when she refuses veggies at dinner time. But today, the journey was about me and how I’ve changed now that I’m a mother. Turns out, I don’t mind dishing out the dollars for a good bra. Also, it turns out I am totally in on that secret Victoria knows.

Sister-mamas, do yourself a favor and spend the time to really get fitted with an expert! I had a fantastic experience at Nordstrom and it’s refreshing to know that the mommy costume doesn’t have to apply to underthings. We deserve these treats, ya know?

  1. Krissy
    7/13/2012 1:16 PM

    OMG! I had the same experience as you, also at Nordy’s (natch). Only that was about halfway through this preggo odyssey, so I have a feeling I’ve changed again. Womp womp! We should go ta-ta holster shopping together one day.

The Itsy Bitsy Deceased Spider

by Alison Friedman in Marvelous Madelyn, Mommy's Musings

Madelyn has been enjoying her library of books lately, and by “enjoying,” I mean, “pulling every book off her shelf and surrounding herself in satisfaction of her literary brawn.”

I try to seize these opportunities as reading moments where she’ll pay attention to a particular story book for a page or two and then go back to pulling off books. I continue to read so she at least hears the vocabulary and cadence, and meanwhile, my inner teacher geeks out at all the synapses sparking in her brain as I develop her brilliance. Or not. Whatever. It can’t hurt.

This morning, Madelyn chose/grabbed the nearest book in reach which was a cute and colorful adaptation of the beloved and classic children’s tune “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.” It also happens to be one of Madelyn’s favorite songs and we enjoy singing it all day! She now anticipates the hand motions and all the silly personalized nuances we’ve created together. It’s super cute how she lights up with the first few notes of the song.

So, naturally, when she chose/grabbed the nearest book in reach which was The Itsy Bitsy Spider, I started to sing the book to her. Upon the “Out came the sun and dried up all the rain” lyric, the movement we do is look up at the sky and wave our hands like a car wash worker drying a wet car.

And there it was. THE itsy bitsy spider. On the ceiling. But it wasn’t so itsy bitsy. It was mammoth and I think I could even see hair.

Normally when this catastrophe happens in our household, I am not the spider killer. I don’t kill bugs. It’s not because I have a soul and I feel bad for taking their lives. It’s because when I scoop them up in a tissue or swat them with a shoe, I SWEAR I can feel them wriggling through and burying themselves into my body and laying eggs and then I feel itchy and declare that baby bugs are spawning out of my skin. Yes. I am not the designated bug killer.

But what happens when there’s a dinosaur spider on your beautiful baby daughter’s ceiling and it’s almost naptime? Well, first you think “Eh! I’M not napping in here! Sorry, Madelyn! Enjoy your new pet wooly mammoth spider! Sweet dreams!” But then then you grow balls and your mama bear emerges from your weenie scaredy cat head and you decide you’re going to kill that mother effer.

Because I am president of the Lollipop Guild and cannot reach the ceiling, I dragged a chair from down the hall — GRRRR man power! — and picked up a tennis shoe, took a breath, stood on the chair, almost fainted at the thought of the spider jumping down five inches onto my head and tangling me up in a blast of webbing, and then dragged the shoe across the ceiling to knock the spider onto the carpet.

Yay: The spider was off the ceiling. Boo: OMG WHERE DID IT LAND OMG OMG OMG

I found it. And this, my friends, is irony. The colossal, Herculean spider landed ON the glittered title of the critically acclaimed illustrated children’s book, The Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Its body curled up in a noodly ball and I picked up the book like a pallbearer and brought it to the sink where I turned on the faucet and “down came the ‘rain’ and washed the spider out.”

I felt like a hero. I saved my daughter’s life from the spider and no one got hurt in the process. I am expecting the key to the city any minute now.

Soon after, it was naptime and I was at ease knowing that little baby Madelyn was safe and protected in the comfort of her crib and an uninvaded ceiling (with no shoe streaks on it either, thankyouverymuch).

I’ll never know how the spider got into her room, but if it was through a pathway from the outside, I asked the nature gods to make sure that the enormous, elephantine spider does not climb up the spout again.

  1. Rachel
    6/25/2012 5:11 PM

    Not gonna lie. First thing I was saw was the Arizona book. What?!?! I’m so excited about the awesomeness. Obvi your daughter will be a Wildcat, but I like the tenacity by ingraining it in NOW. Well done ma’am!

  2. Hiroko
    6/25/2012 4:25 PM

    OMG, I feel the same way you do!! You gotta get this:
    My cousin got it for me cuz we both hate bugs – it is actually fun to catch bugs you would normally never go near. It works pretty damn well! You have the option to let it out outside or in the toilet or just let it stay in there to die! It’s pretty awesome.

Book Worm

by Alison Friedman in Marvelous Madelyn, Photos

So many books, so little time.

Pooptastic Shopping Spree

by Alison Friedman in Baby Land, Marvelous Madelyn, Mommy's Musings

For Father’s Day on Sunday, I was excited to dress Madelyn in a cute romper shorts outfit that said “DADDY’S GIRL” on it. I normally don’t love to dress her in outfits with presumptuous words like “WORLD’S CUTEST BABY” (I mean, it’s true, but no need to brag) or “SPOILED PRINCESS” (I prefer the term “Well loved”), but for Father’s Day, “DADDY’S GIRL” seemed appropriate and, well, with her new favorite sound being DA DA DA DA, extremely true!

I knew Bryan wanted to spend the day with his girls (and Princeton) so I decided we should at least immerse ourselves in beautiful weather and scenery so we went to the ‘Bu. A quick and easy drive through the canyon brought us and the “DADDY’S GIRL” romper to the Malibu Country Mart where we realized that everyone and their mother (father??) were spending Dad’s Day there, too! The lack of paparazzi was shocking (guess the Kardashians had other plans that day) and the abundance of normal civilians was annoying.

After the treasure hunt that was finding a parking spot, we waited for lunch at a Cuban restaurant where I noticed Madelyn, who was sitting in her stroller with a blank stare on her face, was making a moaning sound. This could mean two things: she was moaning herself to sleep, which is one of her soothing methods, or she was making a really big doody.

Well, a story about Madelyn’s snooze moans would not be entertaining so of COURSE she was making a doody. A REALLY BIG DOODY. Apparently, it was too big for the diaper to keep inside its “extra absorbent” $842/diaper interior because I looked down and noticed the specimen emerging for all the world to see. IN MALIBU. It was embarrassing enough that my dress was from Kohl’s and I was wearing $2.50 Old Navy flip flops (they were 2 for $5 last summer!!!!!!), but now my daughter’s feces was raining all over the richest beach town I’m barely privileged enough to hang out in.

I ran her into the restaurant’s one-room ladies’ room where they oh so inconveniently did not provide a diaper changing station. I laid her back in her reclining stroller seat and ferociously pulled wipes out of the case to clean up the mess that had expanded beyond Madelyn’s romper. I could hear two girls outside complaining that the girl in the bathroom had been in there for, like, ever-uh, and so I tried to hurry up as fast as I could to clean off my poopy daughter who, of course, was squirming all over and in doing so, got more poop on the areas I had just painstakingly finished cleaning. The pressure weighed heavily on my shoulders. It was dark and humid so I was dripping sweat, but hey, at least I couldn’t see myself in there because it was basically pitch black. I put on a clean diaper, got Madelyn back into her romper, washed my hands, and fled the scene quickly, but not fast enough to miss out on the death stare from Malibu Barbie who squirmed outside the door because she had to probably pee out her afternoon of bloody Marys.

I returned to the fresh air outside where Bryan and Princeton were still waiting for our table. I looked down in the daylight to see, OH NO!, Madelyn’s romper was beyond help. There was no way she could continue wearing the “DADDY’S GIRL” romper because she was no longer Daddy’s Girl. She was Daddy’s Poop Monster.

Ding! A lightbulb went off in my head. The EXTRA PAIR OF CLOTHES I ALWAYS CARRY IN MY DIAPER BAG TO BE UTILIZED IN THIS CURRENT SITUATION would fix this problem! And then, very quickly, that lightbulb flashed off as if Thomas Edison has just dropped his key out a window right before our eyes and left us in the dark. A day before, I had just washed my diaper bag and had not refilled it with its usual contents like, oh you know, THE EXTRA PAIR OF CLOTHES I ALWAYS CARRY TO UTILIZE IN THIS CURRENT SITUATION.

But, because I’m the MacGyver of shopping, I did what a desperate mom would do. I knew I had to buy a new outfit right then and there. The ONLY store that sells baby clothing in the shopping center is Kitson. L.A.-area folks know that Kitson is a hotsy totsy store with trendy clothes, accessories, and home goods that all come with price tags that are printed off golden tablets, probably straight from the collections of Moses or Oprah or something. I told the saleswoman that my daughter had a diaper explosion and I was hoping there was something on sale I could purchase to carry us through the day. She snickered upon the foreign word of “s-a-l-e” and said no, they did not have a sale, but oh look!, here’s a cheap 50/50 cotton see-through onesie straight out of a sweatshop that says “I left my Louis in the limo” and it cost $35.

After I swallowed the combination humiliated-irritated vomit, I spotted a table of dresses and other very cute clothes with pricetags to the tune of $70 to $90. “But they’re Ella Moss!” said the sales lady. Yeah, I don’t care if they’re Queen Elizabeth. My kid is not wearing an $80 dress in size 6-12 months. Well, dear readers and friends who are just SOOOOOO wonderful, she can wear one if my credit card isn’t paying for it.

I realized that I wanted my daughter to be covered so buying a stupid onesie would not do. I would have to buy a dress. I found one for $58 by Splendid and really, it’s splendid. It’s super cute and very soft and I know it’s good quality, but a little part of me died inside that I was about to pay over $60 — damn tax! — for a dress for my baby. I’m sorry, I can barely dish out those bucks on myself.

I signed the credit card slip that said I sold my soul to Kitson, and quickly left to redress Madelyn.

I put the dress on her and I melted. She looked adorable in it and it was really cute and it’s a good thing because she will be wearing this dress every. single. day. until she leaves for college. I WILL get my money’s worth on this dress.

Now that my baby is the most stylish baby on the block in her designer because-she-pooped-her-pants threads, I expect that Suri Cruise will be texting Madelyn any day now for a play date. And I will drive her there.

In my Kohl’s dress. (I HAD A COUPON!)

  1. Mimi
    6/20/2012 9:51 AM

    Madelyn! You are so clever—you’ve figured out how to expand your already robust wardrobe! What a girly-girl!
    And you look absolutely adorable, as always, in this dress.
    I love you!

  2. Cyndi
    6/20/2012 7:31 AM

    OMGoodness! I was crying I was laughing so hard! I have one better. Christmas Day (in a small town mind you) Heather had a blow out… I had TONS of clothes in the diaper bag.., BUT no diapers. All the stores close on Christmas Day here except the quicky-mart. Pat got the last (probably the only package) of diapers. I cringed when I put that diaper on her. I’m so glad my girls are potty trained now.

  3. Jan Glasband
    6/19/2012 11:48 PM

    Well, at least you’ll get about 3 weeks use out of it. And it’s super cute! (If that’s any consolation).

  4. Cathy
    6/19/2012 10:56 PM

    I was laughing so hard while reading your story…I pooped, I mean peed my pants!!!

Ten Months!

Okay… well… ten months and one week.

I know, we are totally, horribly, catastrophically late, as hinted by Madelyn’s Mimi who’s been blog stalking with bated breath for the tenth monthiversary update. I have no excuses except that we’ve been remodeling our kitchen, it was my birthday, and our mornings for the monthly photo shoot have been busy. So, I guess I do have excuses. Trust me, the Jewish mother guilt has been eating away at me, but a week after her ten-month birthday, we finally got Madelyn on camera and a moment to write about our little babydoll.

This month, Madelyn…

  • stands up for a few moments totally and completely unassisted. She wobbles a little bit, but it’s clearly obvious that her legs are balancing correctly and when she falls, it’s with dignity and grace via squat. She doesn’t even seem to realize she’s standing up, but of course we cheer her on when she does. And then get nervous about the walking that’s just around the corner!
  • likes to pull out all her books from her shelf one by one and then toss them on the floor. When she first started playing this little game, my heart skipped a beat that I’d become mother to a genius baby who’d be breaking records, reading War and Peace unassisted by a year old. Then, I quickly realized that, pssshh, forget War and Peace, she’s not even interested in Goodnight, Moon. This exercise is an experiment in a little concept called “Cause and Effect.” What happens when Baby Madelyn pulls off all her books? Mommy has to get on hands and knees to clean up. Cause. And effect. Good times.
  • made friends with animals at the zoo! We took a family trip with her best friend Brielle and Brielle’s parents, Stefanie and Jeremy, to the Santa Barbara Zoo and Madelyn loved it. By “loved it,” I mean she didn’t have a breakdown all day and enjoyed pulling off our sunglasses as we introduced her to Asian elephants, fed giraffes, and witnessed two gorillas fist-fighting over food. It was a fun day! We got annual passes so we plan to go more often!
  • says “DA DA DA DA” which, when said two “DA”s in a row, sounds like DADA, which, as we all know, is short for “I LOVE MOMMY SOOOOO MUCH.” It’s okay. One day she’ll learn which parent is the one who’s going to lock her up in her bedroom and isolate her from any and all potential suitors until she’s 27. And if the suitors have tattoos and drive fast, well, forget it. Enjoy “DADA” while he’s cool, Madelyn.
  • cut some new pearly whites! It may not be Christmas, and she may not have wanted them, but Madelyn got her two front teeth. Thankfully, she’s not a nightmare teether. One day, they just appeared and now they’re totally in. So, there’s really not much to report about these teeth. Uneventful cut-throughs are a good thing. It’s amazing how much these two new teeth change her whole look. Much less baby-like. Much more todder-ish. Much much more sentimental mommy.

It’s hard to believe we are wrapping up Madelyn’s first year. I’m not really sure I remember what life was like before she came into our lives. It’s been the best ten months of my life and I can’t wait for the next month. Every month seems like THIS is the best month. THIS is the cutest stage. THIS is the coolest, developmentally. And then the next month comes and I’m like, “Okay THIS month is the, etc. etc….” It’s a wonderfully vicious cycle.

  1. KZ
    6/18/2012 4:34 PM

    F is 2 years old and I STILL feel that way. Every stage is the BEST STAGE EVER! They just get cuter and cuter and harder to resist. I think they do it on purpose 😉

  2. nicole
    6/18/2012 2:54 PM

    i love you madelyn! happy 10 months! you are a beauty!