Pooptastic Shopping Spree

by Alison Friedman in Baby Land, Marvelous Madelyn, Mommy's Musings

For Father’s Day on Sunday, I was excited to dress Madelyn in a cute romper shorts outfit that said “DADDY’S GIRL” on it. I normally don’t love to dress her in outfits with presumptuous words like “WORLD’S CUTEST BABY” (I mean, it’s true, but no need to brag) or “SPOILED PRINCESS” (I prefer the term “Well loved”), but for Father’s Day, “DADDY’S GIRL” seemed appropriate and, well, with her new favorite sound being DA DA DA DA, extremely true!

I knew Bryan wanted to spend the day with his girls (and Princeton) so I decided we should at least immerse ourselves in beautiful weather and scenery so we went to the ‘Bu. A quick and easy drive through the canyon brought us and the “DADDY’S GIRL” romper to the Malibu Country Mart where we realized that everyone and their mother (father??) were spending Dad’s Day there, too! The lack of paparazzi was shocking (guess the Kardashians had other plans that day) and the abundance of normal civilians was annoying.

After the treasure hunt that was finding a parking spot, we waited for lunch at a Cuban restaurant where I noticed Madelyn, who was sitting in her stroller with a blank stare on her face, was making a moaning sound. This could mean two things: she was moaning herself to sleep, which is one of her soothing methods, or she was making a really big doody.

Well, a story about Madelyn’s snooze moans would not be entertaining so of COURSE she was making a doody. A REALLY BIG DOODY. Apparently, it was too big for the diaper to keep inside its “extra absorbent” $842/diaper interior because I looked down and noticed the specimen emerging for all the world to see. IN MALIBU. It was embarrassing enough that my dress was from Kohl’s and I was wearing $2.50 Old Navy flip flops (they were 2 for $5 last summer!!!!!!), but now my daughter’s feces was raining all over the richest beach town I’m barely privileged enough to hang out in.

I ran her into the restaurant’s one-room ladies’ room where they oh so inconveniently did not provide a diaper changing station. I laid her back in her reclining stroller seat and ferociously pulled wipes out of the case to clean up the mess that had expanded beyond Madelyn’s romper. I could hear two girls outside complaining that the girl in the bathroom had been in there for, like, ever-uh, and so I tried to hurry up as fast as I could to clean off my poopy daughter who, of course, was squirming all over and in doing so, got more poop on the areas I had just painstakingly finished cleaning. The pressure weighed heavily on my shoulders. It was dark and humid so I was dripping sweat, but hey, at least I couldn’t see myself in there because it was basically pitch black. I put on a clean diaper, got Madelyn back into her romper, washed my hands, and fled the scene quickly, but not fast enough to miss out on the death stare from Malibu Barbie who squirmed outside the door because she had to probably pee out her afternoon of bloody Marys.

I returned to the fresh air outside where Bryan and Princeton were still waiting for our table. I looked down in the daylight to see, OH NO!, Madelyn’s romper was beyond help. There was no way she could continue wearing the “DADDY’S GIRL” romper because she was no longer Daddy’s Girl. She was Daddy’s Poop Monster.

Ding! A lightbulb went off in my head. The EXTRA PAIR OF CLOTHES I ALWAYS CARRY IN MY DIAPER BAG TO BE UTILIZED IN THIS CURRENT SITUATION would fix this problem! And then, very quickly, that lightbulb flashed off as if Thomas Edison has just dropped his key out a window right before our eyes and left us in the dark. A day before, I had just washed my diaper bag and had not refilled it with its usual contents like, oh you know, THE EXTRA PAIR OF CLOTHES I ALWAYS CARRY TO UTILIZE IN THIS CURRENT SITUATION.

But, because I’m the MacGyver of shopping, I did what a desperate mom would do. I knew I had to buy a new outfit right then and there. The ONLY store that sells baby clothing in the shopping center is Kitson. L.A.-area folks know that Kitson is a hotsy totsy store with trendy clothes, accessories, and home goods that all come with price tags that are printed off golden tablets, probably straight from the collections of Moses or Oprah or something. I told the saleswoman that my daughter had a diaper explosion and I was hoping there was something on sale I could purchase to carry us through the day. She snickered upon the foreign word of “s-a-l-e” and said no, they did not have a sale, but oh look!, here’s a cheap 50/50 cotton see-through onesie straight out of a sweatshop that says “I left my Louis in the limo” and it cost $35.

After I swallowed the combination humiliated-irritated vomit, I spotted a table of dresses and other very cute clothes with pricetags to the tune of $70 to $90. “But they’re Ella Moss!” said the sales lady. Yeah, I don’t care if they’re Queen Elizabeth. My kid is not wearing an $80 dress in size 6-12 months. Well, dear readers and friends who are just SOOOOOO wonderful, she can wear one if my credit card isn’t paying for it.

I realized that I wanted my daughter to be covered so buying a stupid onesie would not do. I would have to buy a dress. I found one for $58 by Splendid and really, it’s splendid. It’s super cute and very soft and I know it’s good quality, but a little part of me died inside that I was about to pay over $60 — damn tax! — for a dress for my baby. I’m sorry, I can barely dish out those bucks on myself.

I signed the credit card slip that said I sold my soul to Kitson, and quickly left to redress Madelyn.

I put the dress on her and I melted. She looked adorable in it and it was really cute and it’s a good thing because she will be wearing this dress every. single. day. until she leaves for college. I WILL get my money’s worth on this dress.

Now that my baby is the most stylish baby on the block in her designer because-she-pooped-her-pants threads, I expect that Suri Cruise will be texting Madelyn any day now for a play date. And I will drive her there.

In my Kohl’s dress. (I HAD A COUPON!)

  1. Mimi
    6/20/2012 9:51 AM

    Madelyn! You are so clever—you’ve figured out how to expand your already robust wardrobe! What a girly-girl!
    And you look absolutely adorable, as always, in this dress.
    I love you!

  2. Cyndi
    6/20/2012 7:31 AM

    OMGoodness! I was crying I was laughing so hard! I have one better. Christmas Day (in a small town mind you) Heather had a blow out… I had TONS of clothes in the diaper bag.., BUT no diapers. All the stores close on Christmas Day here except the quicky-mart. Pat got the last (probably the only package) of diapers. I cringed when I put that diaper on her. I’m so glad my girls are potty trained now.

  3. Jan Glasband
    6/19/2012 11:48 PM

    Well, at least you’ll get about 3 weeks use out of it. And it’s super cute! (If that’s any consolation).

  4. Cathy
    6/19/2012 10:56 PM

    I was laughing so hard while reading your story…I pooped, I mean peed my pants!!!