Stupid Soothing

by Alison Friedman in Baby Land, Mommy's Musings

I’ve recently discovered a Pandora station that Madelyn and I both like. It’s a station full of lullabies. Some are classics set to soothing music and others are modern or instrumental. I actually find myself listening to the station by myself sometimes, simply because it’s relaxing and pretty.

Once in a while, though, a song comes on that just baffles my mind. I had never paid attention to lullabies until becoming a mom, but many of them are ridiculous and even just downright wrong. Let’s examine some of them more closely:


Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetops, (WTF is a baby doing up in trees?! Whose idea was it to put her there?)
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock, (DUH! Cause and effect. Weather patterns like wind blowing is nothing novel)
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, (Oh shit.)
And down will come baby, cradle and all. (This is extremely upsetting and they don’t even bother to explain what happened to the baby after it fell. Do they just leave her there? Is she on the ground and screaming? Is she near traffic on a highway or is she in a pond near the wilderness? These questions are left unanswered and I seem to be the only one who’s concerned for the child’s welfare.)


Hush, little baby, don’t say a word, Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird. If you’re hushing the baby, a mockingbird is only going to make things noisy. Seems counterproductive to me.
And if that mockingbird don’t sing, Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.DON’T SING, MOCKINGBIRD! FOR THE LOVE OF TIFFANY, DON’T SING!
And if that diamond ring turn brass, Papa’s gonna buy you a looking glass.That totally sucks. Going from a diamond ring to a mirror? That baby is getting cheated.
And if that looking glass gets broke, Papa’s gonna buy you a billy goat. “Broke” and “goat” don’t even rhyme, Papa. Nice try.
And if that billy goat don’t pull, Papa’s gonna buy you a cart and bull. Are you giving her a garage, too? Most children’s rooms don’t have room for a cart and bull. That’s bull, all right.
And if that cart and bull turn over, Papa’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover. I hope the bull is okay. And can’t we come up with a less cliche name for the dog?
And if that dog named Rover won’t bark. Papa’s gonna buy you a horse and cart. Again, “bark” and “cart” don’t rhyme. And didn’t we already learn our lesson from the cart and bull?
And if that horse and cart fall down, Well you’ll still be the sweetest little baby in town. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This implies that the baby might not have been cute? She needs the reassurance?

I giggle to myself when these tunes come on, but they make Madelyn happy and so I will continue to play the songs over and over again. That baby can keep rocking up in the trees and Papa can buy his kid whatever his heart desires as long as Madelyn smiles and sleeps, sleeps and smiles.