August, 2011 Archive

Lip Cervix

by Alison Friedman in Mommy's Musings, Pregnancy

Dear Cervie,
Pardon the Mama Bear attitude and lip service, but you are a really big pain in my… cervix. Do you understand that you’re throwing a wrench in an otherwise perfectly easy and routine pregnancy? Let me explain to you why I am angry with you.

You are not to imitate a political viewpoint. Leaning back and a little to the right — not acceptable. I don’t care what side of the aisle you associate with. This is not an election; it is a gestation. Therefore, for ultimate birthing conditions, you are supposed to tip forward — as the doctors say, in an anterior position — and allow your roomie, otherwise known as my child — through your doors and into my world. Leaning backward in the posterior position? Not okay.

Here’s why: Kiddo is due this Friday. Mommy and Daddy are ready for her as soon as the clock strikes midnight on August 5th. We know timing isn’t always perfect (thanks, Mother Nature. Your nasty letter is coming up next) but at our doctor’s appointment Wednesday morning, we discussed inducing labor and that it’s not a good fit for us because of your positioning! If we induced in your current state, it would be very likely that we would end up with a C-section, and that is something we’d like to avoid.

So, next week on Monday, we will see Dr. Fiiiine again, at which point she will poke you — ha! You can’t hide from her! — and determine if we can do an induction next Tuesday. Why Tuesday? BECAUSE SHE IS LEAVING FOR VACATION ON THURSDAY! Do you see why if you just cooperated, we wouldn’t have to race against you and the calendar?!

But, if on Monday Dr. Fiiiine calls “Places please!” and you are still not in place, we cannot go on with the induction the next day. And we will just have to wait for natural labor and risk the chance of our baby girl entering the world into a stranger’s hands while Dr. Fiiiine is on vacation. I’m sure the alternate doctor would be skilled and nice and doctor-y, but I am a perfectionist and strive for the ideal scenario.

And if this baby is cooked but still not exiting the oven a few days past 41 weeks by the time Dr. Fiiiine gets back, we’re most likely looking at a C-section regardless. Do you really want to be close to that knife? Do ya? DO YA?!?!

So, Cervie, here’s what you’re going to do: you are going to tilt yourself ever so slightly toward the front, embrace our kid, and spit her out naturally, so that we don’t even have to induce in the first place! I’d ask you and Utey to work together to also make it as quick and pain-free as possible, but I realize that’s a tall order. So I’m willing to compromise. Just tilt and we can forget about our troubles together and move on with our lives.

No need to write back. Just do your job. Time is ticking. Consider your warning Cerved.

Kind Regards,
Alison

  1. Marilyn Hollander
    8/4/2011 6:37 PM

    Ready for more advice? Spend some time on all 4’s every day. You can do a pelvic tilt/cat stretch thing-y, which is good for your back, and also helps the cervix thing. Sometimes gravity IS our friend, especially in labor. As someone who’s first child was 12 days late (August) AND a C-section, partly due to a Posterior cervix, I feel like I know what you’re going through. Unfortunately, I didn’t know then, what I knew later, so I didn’t do any of the things I’ve told you about. I didn’t know that sitting in a bed during early labor does not really help the process along. Heck, I didn’t even know I was IN labor. I know it sounds strange to do some of the things I’ve suggested, but I’ve had both types of deliveries, and I want to help you have the one you want. Ultimately, what is safest for you and the baby is best, of course, but you CAN be physically proactive in helping everything along.

  2. Pappa
    8/4/2011 11:17 AM

    That bastard!

Shaving Off Time with a False Alarm

by Alison Friedman in Mommy's Musings

We thought we had our “any day now” last night. It made sense, too! The stars were aligned, and by stars, I mean several things had taken place throughout the day that, 12 hours later when I was in false early labor, made me go “Oooohhhhhh it all makes sense now!” but then, really, it didn’t make sense. Because here I sit at a computer with a baby in my belly. Still.

If we were to have gone into labor last night, it would be a few days early, just like the doctor had insisted for two weeks in a row. So, just based on medical assessment alone, I was in my right mind to think that the “any day now” was “this is it.”

I was very tired yet very antsy all day. I wanted to sleep, but I also wanted to clean and be productive. So, I combined those feelings and got a manicure and pedicure! I was relaxed and soothed, while also achieving the goal of pretty nails! See? Rested and productive! I also spent the day with my parents where my dad got to watch and feel the bounce house that is my belly. And my mom gave me a kickass foot massage, making sure to spend time on pressure points, but since she’s not a professional masseuse, I ripped out my handy iPhone and Googled “induce labor massage” and landed on a “How To” massage site. So with her hands on my tootsies, I narrated the directions to her and, like an obedient mommy/excited grandparent, she complied. Except we ended up laughing our way through the whole thing because the instructions sounded a lot more X-rated than they’re intended to be. Here you’ll see — I’m going to remove the foot parts of the instrucions so you can see how this would be a hysterical game of massage Mad Libs:

“Begin by stroking the top of the _____ with a long, slow, firm motion. Use the thumbs for extra pressure. Massaging the sensitive_____ can be very relaxing. Starting with the big ____, slowly and firmly pull each ____, sliding your fingers from the base to the tip. Repeat while gently squeezing and rolling the ____ between your thumb and index finger…”

So, yeah. About that. I ended up with very jiggly and relaxed feet and a face-ache from laughing so hard.

I ended my day with a swim at our friend Julie and Kent’s house. They have a lovely backyard with a big, heated pool… and noodles! So I floated around, not even caring that I was getting my hair wet, and let all the weightlessness and water relax my back. Followed by some BBQ for dinner, I’d rounded out my day with some pretty respectable labor-inducing activities that didn’t give me the shits (I’m not drinking castor oil, no matter what they say!).

So, imagine my non-surprise when we were sitting in the living room with Julie on her couch and I started to feel some crampy-cramps. Hmmmm…. Okay. Interesting.

And then during our Jewish goodbye at the front door on our way out, I started getting some sharp shooting cramps and lots of pressure. That was our cue to cut the goodbye in half (by Jewish-goodybe standards) and by the time Bryan and I got home, I could barely walk up the stairs standing up straight. In bed, I watched my tummy contract and flex and relax, and it happened pretty regularly.

Now, these Braxton-Hicks-type contractions were accompanied by pretty intense pain that I’d never felt before, unlike real Braxton-Hicks which are not painful and totally benign. So Bryan whipped out his iPhone contraction timer app and we went to town. For about 2.5 hours, we monitored these contractions and with every rollercoaster of the belly, we started to play out the events to come. We texted our moms who, of course have their cell phones by their sides 24/7 these days, and told them we might be experiencing the signs of early labor and we’ll keep them posted over the course of the night and early morning. I was excited and scared all at the same time, but Bryan stayed calm and made sure I was comfortable enough. Around 1 a.m., I realized that this really could be it, and I’d read that it’s relaxing and helpful to take a warm shower so I did! But really, that’s not the reason why. I couldn’t possibly give birth to a daughter with leg stubble — my legs and toes will be the first things she’ll see on her way into the world and since the toes had already been perfectly painted pink, I had to round out the task and give her a respectable entrance (okay, so this all sounds rational in my head), so I did a quick shave, enjoyed the hot water, and mentally prepared myself for what was sure to come. Meanwhile, Bryan zoomed around the house picking up some clutter and doing dishes to make sure we would be bringing a baby home to a neat house, rechecked the hospital bag, and started to gather the “last minute” hospital must-haves like our phone chargers and Goldfish snacks so that when it would be time to leave in a few hours, we’d be in tip-top shape!

And then I got out of the shower. And walked upright. And plopped into bed and felt… fine. No more pain. No more contractions. No more discomfort. It was as if the 2.5 hours of “early labor” had never happened. Bryan and I got quiet and decided to just go to sleep and if we woke up again, then we’d get back to business.

Alas, we woke up at 8 a.m. today. Sleep was not uninterrupted, but that was due to mental hamsters on wheels, and not because of baby labor. Well, at least my legs are smooth.

So, is it weird to say that I’m a little disappointed? We had a good three hours of OHMYGOSHTHISISITWEAREHAVINGABABYRIGHTNOOOOOOOOOW….. and then. Not.

It reminded me of the scene from my go-to cinematic pregnancy manual, Father of the Bride Part II, when Annie Banks-Makenzie (“Makenzie” said with a Steve Martin snarl), wakes up in a panic that she’s going into labor and they go to the hospital and come back defeated. The hubbub of a pregnant and ready Annie Banks-Makenzie and her family rivaled our household last night, and admitting false alarm after three hours of seemingly-absolute labor was sobering and disappointing. We even told Princeton in our “excited” voice that he was going to finally become a big brother in the next day or so, and I guess he’s the only smart one in our home; he continued to sleep soundly and couldn’t give a wag or lick. “Heh. Suckers,” he probably thought as he dreamed about chasing rabbits… or babies.

Coming out of sleep this morning made me wonder if it was all just a dream or if I was having a hysterical pregnancy. Then my sanity settled in as I woke up and the brain cells jostled around, and I really realized then how much of this is out of our control. I’m a vessel carrying treasure, and that’s really all. The baby, my lady bits — they all know what to do. And when it’s time, they’ll shout it loud and clear. Last night was just them whispering sweet nothings.

Good thing I stocked up on the Costco razors.

  1. Alison
    8/4/2011 11:08 AM

    Krissy — You are GOOD! Bryan changed the timer in total mockery. Cruel, cruel world we live in.

  2. 8/4/2011 11:05 AM

    …Also, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but your countdown timer on the right says “She could be here any day now!” Not sure if at this point you find that annoying or hilarious. I’m voting for hilarious.

  3. 8/4/2011 11:04 AM

    Alison, you just made my day. I will have you know that Father of the Bride Part II is one of my favorite movies, and when I was reading the first two-thirds of this entry, I was mentally imaging you as Kimberly Paisley with all her false alarms. Hope your baby makes her much-anticipated debut soon! xo

  4. nicole
    8/3/2011 9:58 PM

    you gotta make this into a book one day, you are the best. writer. ever.

    love you!

Breaking Down Any Day Now: A Double Entendre

by Alison Friedman in Mommy's Musings, Pregnancy

Why, hello, August. It’s nice to see you. July came and went, leaving us without an outside baby. We did not get a July baby after all, like so many had hoped or predicted based on belly size and readiness. I’m okay with that. I actually secretly wanted an August baby because that’s what I was told we’d have when this whole thing started ten (yeah, not nine, but TEN) months ago. But then a little something called “hype” began toward the middle-end of July that drove the baby-daddy and grandparents into a frenzy of “LET’S DO THIS” (I’m talking to you, Stuart Siegel).

At 37 weeks, we went to see Dr. Fiiiiine as part of our regular now-weekly checkups. She inspected the nooks and crannies and declared that I was 2 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. With raised eyebrows and a smile, she gave us the thumbs up that we could be seeing a baby “any day now.” WHOA! And then followed it with, “See you soon. Probably sooner than your next appointment.” DOUBLE WHOA!

Okay, well, a week came and went. No baby. All right. It had only been 6 days between appointments so “any day now” was wrong. But surely we’d have news at the 38 week appointment, yes?

So last Wednesday, Dr. Fiiiiine inspected the nooks and crannies and said again that we are still the same as the week before, remaining 2 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. She looked at us with excitement on her face and said, “this is it! Any day now! See you at the next appointment, if not sooner!”

What do rookie parents do when they are told for 14 days in a row that it could be “any day now?” They sit. At home. And stare. At walls. Watch movies. Eat. Sleep. Watch TV. Eat. Eat. Stare. Twiddle thumbs. We are professional thumb twiddlers.

It’s a cruel, cruel world when “any day now” does not mean “Within the week,” and instead could mean “Week or two? Or more? Oh, I don’t know.” I am writing a letter to the board of, what, medicine?, whatever The Board is, and demanding that doctors not use “any day now” unless they absolutely know without a thin speck of doubt in their minds that it really is any. day. now.

To me, “any day now” has a 72 hour expiration. You get 3 days to be correct. Then “any day now” becomes a tease. I mean, at what point might “any day now” mean “oh, ya know, before 2013, for SURE.”? And if that really were the case, no problem! That would hold up in “any day now” court because this pregnancy is not lasting another 2 years and therefore, the assessment would be correct. But as a people, as humankind, it is imperative we come together for the sake of pregnant women everywhere (and their overanxious husbands and fathers), and decide on something that affects us all. No, not the stupid debt ceiling. I’m talking about the phrase “any day now.”

Let’s redefine what “any day now” means. If it’s more than 3 days, then we don’t utter a word. Because here’s what happens: perfectly calm and normal-excited first-time parents hear it and then freeze themselves while time stands still.

Is it now?

Now?

Now?

How about now?

Is it going to happen………. now?

Now?

N-n-n-n-n-n now?

And you do that for 3 days which is not only ridiculously annoying, but also a giant waste of time. Because once a “now” happens and nothing occurs, you’ve wasted a perfectly good “now.” And before you know it, you’ve wasted so many “now”s that it’s been three days of “now”ing and there’s no baby to show for it. The frustration and anticipation rise to all new levels.

Also, 2 weeks of “any day now” mania trickles beyond to non baby-carrying relatives: it causes my dad to cancel a multi-day business trip, Bryan to hazily dawdle through work, and the grandmas to check in at every minute with a detailed explanation of their plans and phone numbers of where they can be reached in case cell phone towers decide to crumble on the actual “any day now.”

The best part of this is that Baby Girl isn’t even late! Her due date is this Friday, August 5th. Technically, she has til then before we can really get on her case about this. But see? This is what happens when you’re told “any day now.” You throw the calendar out the window and hold on to the doctor’s words. Don’t get me wrong — I love Dr. Fiiiine and don’t think she’s purposely trying to drive us all insane. She made a guess. And by my 3-day expiration of “any day now” expectations, she was wrong. So this Wednesday, we will go to our usual weekly appointment and she will check my nooks and crannies. And we shall see what she declares.

But if she sing-songy says, “any day now” I’m seriously going to ask her to brand my belly with a time stamp and sign off on the eviction papers I will be sending to Baby at 12:01 a.m. on August 6th. Read ’em and weep, kid.

  1. Cyndi Camp
    8/1/2011 5:57 PM

    I wouldn’t just sit at home. Seems like you and Bryan are going insane! Live your life go, go on dates, spend as much quality time together as possible. She will be here on her own time. I was a 9 days early with Rylee and a week late with Heather. You never know.

  2. Marilyn Hollander
    8/1/2011 2:49 PM

    Have you tried Mall therapy yet? No, NOT shopping. Walking. A LOT. Also, if you have a rocking chair, that can be very helpful, especially once “now” actually starts. You can still twiddle, if you must, but do it while walking or rocking. In all honesty, it might not work, but since you have that dilation and effacement already going on, it might be just the thing to take it to the next level, the level of NOW.
    P.S. One thing you can, pretty much, take to the bank, sometime in the next 3 weeks-ish, you WILL be holding your beautiful baby girl. If you look at 3 weeks, anything before that will be a delightful surprise.