This is what comes out of one trip to the grocery store when you’re pregnant:

At check out, the adolescent kid who rang me up totally judged me when he looked at me and asked, “Is this it?” I proudly answered, “Yyyyyup!” and then laughed at myself. I must have looked like such a heffer.

Yes. You see correctly. A mammoth size carton of Goldfish. Cans of Andersen’s Pea Soup (with bacon). Snickers bar (there is actually another one not pictured for extra oomph). Within a 90-minute period, I proceeded to eat a combination of these items. Yes, I am pregnant.

You know how else you know you’re pregnant?

You cry when the Goldfish milk carton packaging does not open without a fight. The folds were heavy-duty glued together and I could not rip the cardboard apart. And it didn’t help that I couldn’t get in there soon enough for handful after handful of perfectly salted, cheesy goodness. So, a few whiny expletives (Baby, cover your developing ears, please) and a frustrated tear or two later, I finally ripped in and the opening is not pretty but I don’t even care.

I’m having such a funny relationship with food. Sometimes, I can’t even look at it. Other times, I can’t get enough, but only very specific items. But, hey, it all makes sense. Pea soup is vegetables: that’s good. Snickers are full of protein (nuts) and dairy (chocolate). And Goldfish in mini Tupperware containers are basically a food staple for all children anyway. See? Good food choices.